20 cups of select fluids a day will make you live forever.

You Are Also What You Drink: NYTimes Article (Subscription Required)

A run down of several studies based on beverage consumptions and their health effects.

First of all, if you're going to bitch about having to sign up with NY Times online, you're silly. I've been a member since 1999 (8 years) and have had zero problem with spam (unlike the Chicago Tribune membership, which thinks I should attend colleges in Illinois). Secondly, there are ways around registering, such as using a shared log-in or if the article is archived/retained elsewhere. But seriously, sign up and keep reading. I only wish I had $1,000 to spend on the annual paper subscription. MADNESS.

FIVE CUPS A DAY is key to your health.

According to the article, "Mice prone to an Alzheimer’s-like disease were protected by drinking water spiked with caffeine equivalent to what people get from five cups of coffee a day." It also mentions a human study that suggested that memory deficiencies can also be prevented with three cups. I can only hope that they mean the literal measurement of cup.

And if five cups to keep you from going senile isn't enough fluid, get five more cups of black tea to keep your arteries open! Bone density, kidneys and teeth are also eligible for benefits with black tea.

Hold on before you start reaching for you 5 cups of red wine, though. Red wine is no better than beer, vodka or rubbing alcohol when it comes to having perceived health benefits. Daily, one serving for women, two servings for men (how predictable that men get all the fun and luxuries!) have a whole grocery list of benefits (unless you're drinking for two, which at that point, you're cut off completely. bitches) regardless of what the original ingredient was before distillation. But those are all nulified if you're, surprise, a heavy drinker. Oh, moderation, what can't you be applied to?

Other beverages covered in the original article include sugar drinks, water and milk if you're curious how they all rank on the list of "you ought to be drinking to save your life".

Conclusion: Water is better than soda and kids are getting obese and gross because this lesson is lost on American consumers.